Month: November 2009

Give me my cash

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank, you’ll want customer services not merchant services.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I’m not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

Edison’s cigars

Edison himself has played many a practical joke upon his employees, and in the early phonograph days he enjoyed many a laugh on them with the aid of his “talking machine.” Sometimes, however, the joke was on him, as was instanced by the “fake cigar” story, which was a popular Edison anecdote twenty odd years ago. Edison was always an inveterate smoker, and used to keep a number of boxes of cigars in his room, and these were a constant object of interest to his associates. First one man, then another, would enter the room, ask Edison some trivial question, and when leaving would manage, unseen, to insert his hand in one of the boxes and annex three or four choice cigars. Edison began to suspect something of the kind, and one day he called on his tobacconist, explained things, and got the man to fix up some fearful “smokes,” consisting of old bits of rag, tea leaves, and shavings, and worth about two dollars a barrel. These were done up in attractive-looking boxes, and delivered to the laboratory. Nothing happened, however; there was a falling off in the number of Edison’s visitors, but no casualties were reported. Then one day Edison again called at the store, and inquired of his dealer if he had forgotten to send up the fake cigars. “Why, Mr. Edison,” replied the amazed tobacconist, “I sent up ten boxes of the worst concoctions I could make two months ago. Ain’t your men through with them yet?” Then Edison made a rapid calculation, divided the number of cigars by his daily allowance, and was forced to the painful conclusion that he had consumed those “life destroyers” himself. There and then he gave a big order for his usual brand, and his cigars disappeared once more with their accustomed celerity.

Everyone needs an education

And now, for a break in our scheduled programming. We all like a good joke, but we have to keep in mind the important things in life and to me, education is the number one priority. Whether you’re working in an office, or out on the road, your education is something you’ll carry around wherever you go. Luckily, you don’t need to take time off to study, as you can do things online, and here’s one option for all my friends in the US.

Western Governors University is one of the online universities that has a variety of courses ranging from teaching and health degrees, all the way to IT and business degrees. They are designed for people to participate remotely, at their own pace. They work on an interesting basis where you pay for a six-month term at a time, rather than for the credits you’re taking. They also offer scholarships and tuition aid if you require.

So if you want to do an online degree, whether its a business degree or something different, check them out; they might work well for you.

Things to do when your satellite internet provider is down

You wake up one day to find that your satellite internet provider is down. What do you do?

  1. Dial 911 immediately.
  2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
  3. You mean there’s something else to do?
  4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
  5. Work.
  6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
  7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

You then wake up .. and find it was all a bad dream …

Are you a high speed satellite internet junkie?

Have you been spending more and more time on your high speed satellite internet connection? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you’re addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict’s Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

What’s a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.

Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day 🙂

You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.

What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled “Good Times”.
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!

When you don’t understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer’s toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer’s Web site and look for the FAQ.

When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I’m Jane!
b) Hi, I’m a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I’m a 5’10” hot blonde with a super bod.

When you’re interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What’s your star sign?
c) What’s your Profile?

If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What’s your E-mail address?
c) Let’s chat Private.

When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!

When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don’t need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I’ll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I’ll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What’s a letter? Is it like E-mail?

Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.

You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.

You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:

Give yourself zero points for each “a” response, five for each “b” and 10 for each “c”.

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you’re living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn’t read this far.

Redneck Computer Terms

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern (no Symbol LS2208 here).

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak‘s Employee of the year.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.