You might be a redneck if …

….your idea of gourmet dining is eating at the snack-bar at K-Mart, while the auto-dept. is raising your truck another 8 inches.

….your idea of bodywork consists of using either duct-tape, twine, or a bungee-cord.

….you have a house that’s mobile, and seven trucks that aren’t.

….you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

….you believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

….you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

….you have a rag for a gas cap.

….the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

….the gas pedal on your truck is shaped like a bare foot.

….you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

….you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

….you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

….you’ve painted a truck with house paint and stuck giant Off Road Lights on it.

….you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

….your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

….your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”

….you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”

….you mark the Auto Trader with a highlite pen.

….the taillight covers of your truck are made of red tape.

….your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

….on your first date, you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

….your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

….you’ve been to a funeral and there were more pickups than cars.

….you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

….taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

….your pickup has a two-tone paint job—primer red and primer gray.

— And Finally —

….that billboard that says “SAY NO TO CRACK” reminds you to pull up your jeans!

Clothing Sale

Bubba didn’t know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair”.

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”

They go in and Bubba says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ……”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from Arkansas, aren’t you?”

“Well…yes,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”

The owner says, “This isn’t a men’s clothing store! It’s a dry cleaners.”

Redneck Computer Terms

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern (no Symbol LS2208 here).

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak‘s Employee of the year.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.

Ya Gotta Be a Redneck if:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think ‘The Nutcracker‘ is a vice on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, right above weight loss pills.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does..

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it..

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip‘ on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.