Addicted to Internet Porn

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

– During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.

– His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

– When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”

– Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”

– He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries and broken document imaging equipment.

– Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

– When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”

– You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

– As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

– During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”

– His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you… he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Are you an Internet addict?

You Might Be An Internet Addict If…

  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
  • Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
  • Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
  • You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  • Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  • When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  • Your dog has its own home page.
  • You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  • Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
  • You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  • You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  • Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.
  • You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  • Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
  • You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with IE 6.0 or higher.” and refuse any tattoo removal offered.
  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
  • The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
  • You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  • As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Are you addicted to the Web ?

Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Diagnostic Criteria

(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction

(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet

(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.

(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:

(a) psychomotor agitation

(b) anxiety

(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet

(d) fantasies or dreams about where to buy gold online on the Internet

(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers

(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning

(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended

(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use

(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials

(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.

(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)

The magic of the Internet

My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access some Internet sites and after hitting some shopping sites and cigar auction sites we went to the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy’s mother was very sceptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom.

Think of something to ask it.” As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, “How is Aunt Helen feeling?”

Internet addiction

Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Diagnostic Criteria

(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction

(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet

(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.

(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:

(a) psychomotor agitation

(b) anxiety

(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet

(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet

(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers

(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning

(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended

(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use

(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching where to find term life insurance online, organizing files of downloaded materials)

(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.

(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)

Things to do when your satellite internet provider is down

You wake up one day to find that your satellite internet provider is down. What do you do?

  1. Dial 911 immediately.
  2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
  3. You mean there’s something else to do?
  4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
  5. Work.
  6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
  7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

You then wake up .. and find it was all a bad dream …

Are you a high speed satellite internet junkie?

Have you been spending more and more time on your high speed satellite internet connection? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you’re addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict’s Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

What’s a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.

Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day 🙂

You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.

What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled “Good Times”.
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!

When you don’t understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer’s toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer’s Web site and look for the FAQ.

When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I’m Jane!
b) Hi, I’m a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I’m a 5’10” hot blonde with a super bod.

When you’re interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What’s your star sign?
c) What’s your Profile?

If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What’s your E-mail address?
c) Let’s chat Private.

When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!

When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don’t need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I’ll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I’ll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What’s a letter? Is it like E-mail?

Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.

You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.

You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:

Give yourself zero points for each “a” response, five for each “b” and 10 for each “c”.

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you’re living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn’t read this far.

10 signs you’re an Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is ‘Hi, what’s your URL? Do you have a live video streaming service

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You ‘ping’ people to see if they’re awake, ‘finger’ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT’ them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife’ and refer to your children as ‘client applications’.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server’.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, ‘I feel so colon-right parentheses!’

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: ‘Pizza’s Here!’

You know you’re addicted to the Internet when ..

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog’s homepage is actually good.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you sign up for satellite internet services, buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Top 10 Reasons why TV is better than the Internet

Braun HF 1, Germany, 1959
  1. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
  2. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404” message?
  3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
  4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
  5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
  6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.
  7. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
  8. You just can’t fast forward acne treatments infomercials on the Web.
  9. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
  10. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.