Tag: Cigar

The world’s longest joke

OK, you folks at Guiness, listen up, because I am going to describe to you the World’s Lengthiest Joke. It is one where the punch line can be anywhere from a quarter-hour to several weeks later than the build-up. That must surely qualify it for mention in the Book of World Records. Please spell my name right when listing it.

I have told this joke several times at dinner parties. It has always worked. You can tell it, too. Of course you may find yourself invited to fewer and fewer dinners. But a good joke is always worth that risk. Here’s how it goes.

Finding a lull in the conversation, you remark  that at a recent gathering you heard a story told that others found hilarious, but that seemed pointless to you. You’d like to retell it, to see if the present company gets the point. Thus begins the build-up:

“One day a Certified Public Accountant decided to build a house for himself, entirely out of brick. Being a typical CPA, he sat down with the finished plans and very carefully calculated exactly how many bricks it would take. He then ordered exactly that many bricks and carefully counted them when they arrived. All through the construction he watched the workmen to see that no bricks were wasted or omitted. When the house was completed, however, there was one brick left over. Perplexed, he rechecked his figures. Everything tallied. With increasing frustration, he checked again and again. Finally, in a fit of fury, he threw the extra brick up in the air. It disappeared.”

At this point the company usually falls into an expectant silence. “That’s all?” someone asks. “That’s all,” you say. They all agree that it is not a particularly funny story, and talk drifts off into other channels.

You now bide your time. Anywhere from five minutes to several weeks will do, although it is usually best to finish your work the same evening. At another lull in the conversation, you launch a new story. This time it is a free adaptation of an incident in one of Dostoevsky’s novels:

“It is the nineteenth century and a train is rumbling through the night, across the frozen Siberian waste. In a first-class compartment the sole occupants are a large, untidy gentleman, and an aristocratic lady holding a small lap dog. They regard each other with disdain and do not speak. Presently the large man pulls out one of those tatuaje cigars and lights it, with many puffs of blue smoke. The lap dog starts coughing. The lady is incensed, as it is forbidden to smoke in a first-class compartment. But she will not stoop to reprove the fat commoner. Instead, with a burst of energy, she pulls down the window, seizes the cigar, and throws it out into the snow. The man is at first stunned. But suddenly he realizes that it is equally forbidden to carry animals in a first-class compartment. With a furious movement, he scoops up the unfortunate dog and flings it out the window.

Tableau. At last the lady rises from her petrification and pulls the emergency cord. Bells ring and the train shudders to a halt. Officials and passengers step down into the snow. It is a bright, moonlit night. The dog has survived — far down the frozen track one can see it running toward the train. And in its mouth it is carrying an object. Can you guess what that object is?”

Assuming you’ve told your story well, and enough alcohol has been consumed at the table, someone will surely rise to the bait. “It’s the cigar!”

“No,” you reply, not skipping a beat, “it’s the Certified Public Accountant’s extra brick.” Then you head for the door.

That’s a nice cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar. One of them Rocky Patel cigars in fact”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Missing Cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just one of those Romeo cigars.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Scottish guy walks into a bar in Cuba

A scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free.

He asks the bartender, “Can ya pour me a wee bit o Scotch?”.

“You got money?”, asks the bartender.

“Nay, I havna any cash but Ah was hoopin you could spot me wee drrrink.”.

“We don’t do free drinks!”, responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth.

He walks up to the bar and mutters (in Cuban accent), “Castro‘s Men” and receives a free beer no questions asked.

This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea.

He hails the bartender and mutters to him, “Castro’s Men”.

The bartender looks him up and down and says, “You don’t look like you have a beard and cigars!”.

The Scottish guy lifts his kilt and says, “Aye! Secrret Serrvice!”.

Vodka, cigars or lawyers ..

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
“In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

Up in smoke

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, bought some insurance online for them against …. get this …. fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued … and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Insurance Claim

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, got some insurance quotes and insured them against …. get this …. fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet
to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued … and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for
the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested… on 24
counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Edison’s cigars

Edison himself has played many a practical joke upon his employees, and in the early phonograph days he enjoyed many a laugh on them with the aid of his “talking machine.” Sometimes, however, the joke was on him, as was instanced by the “fake cigar” story, which was a popular Edison anecdote twenty odd years ago. Edison was always an inveterate smoker, and used to keep a number of boxes of cigars in his room, and these were a constant object of interest to his associates. First one man, then another, would enter the room, ask Edison some trivial question, and when leaving would manage, unseen, to insert his hand in one of the boxes and annex three or four choice cigars. Edison began to suspect something of the kind, and one day he called on his tobacconist, explained things, and got the man to fix up some fearful “smokes,” consisting of old bits of rag, tea leaves, and shavings, and worth about two dollars a barrel. These were done up in attractive-looking boxes, and delivered to the laboratory. Nothing happened, however; there was a falling off in the number of Edison’s visitors, but no casualties were reported. Then one day Edison again called at the store, and inquired of his dealer if he had forgotten to send up the fake cigars. “Why, Mr. Edison,” replied the amazed tobacconist, “I sent up ten boxes of the worst concoctions I could make two months ago. Ain’t your men through with them yet?” Then Edison made a rapid calculation, divided the number of cigars by his daily allowance, and was forced to the painful conclusion that he had consumed those “life destroyers” himself. There and then he gave a big order for his usual brand, and his cigars disappeared once more with their accustomed celerity.

I tried it once ..

A sale representative for a mobile satellite company stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. “No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.”

Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”

A week in Hell

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him “Hey Vinny we’ve been waitin for ya!”.

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says “I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?” Vinny answers “Ya, I love to smoke.” The Devil says “Good you’ll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything.”

“Now do you like to drink?” Then Vinny says “Of course I love to drink.” The Devil replies “Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great.”

“Do you like to have sex?” Vinny says “Hell ya sex is the best.” The Devil smiles and replies “We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays.”

And the Devil finally says “Now, have you ever been on one of these gay vacations?” Vinny frowns and answers “NO I’m not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes “Your gonna hate Thursdays.”