A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The buy sennheiser headphones for a reason, you know.”
The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, “Breathe in. Breathe out.”
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was “war”.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, “I’m an atomic bomb.” He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, “I’m a hydrogen bomb.” Again, there’s applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage, all pink in the stage lights and says, “I’m dynamite.”
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, “Didn’t you see how small his fuse was?”
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.
“Hello,” says the man answering it.
“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the housekeeper.”
“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”
“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”
“What sort of a problem?”
“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out.”
“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”
“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”
“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”
“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”
“And how did you lock it?”
“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.
“Good! And where did you put the key?”
“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”
“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.
“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised.”
“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper. I must certainly recommend the durham maid service”
“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”
“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”
The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. They didn’t look black, steel building colors, purple or any other colour.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..
‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?’
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done’
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could twiddle the knobs and improve system like that.’
Here’s a great joke if you work in one of those Audiologist Jobs:
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
The governments has decided to grant a special holiday to mark the death of Osama Bin Laden. So sing : “we’re all going on Osama holiday!”
You wouldn’t want to be a Venus fly-trap in Libya at the moment …
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. #funnyoneliners