A tale of a Consultant

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages around the pop displays. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000”. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”

Get some new office supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supplies dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well, interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'”

Crocodile Boots

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking, regardless of how fancy their barcode scanner was.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Off to the casino

What do you do when you want a break from our regular jokes? Well, lots of people have different hobbies, but you might be one of those who spend their time looking for the best online casino around. In that case, you might be interested a review site that has a list of some online casinos, with ratings and reviews of a number of different gaming sites. It’s always good to read up about a site before you get engaged with it, so this sort of site can be quite useful if you want to seperate the wheat from the chaff. Check it out.

True holiday nightmare stories

Peter Allen and Rachel Burden asked their listeners to the Radio 5 live ‘Drive’ programme to send in the worst holiday beginnings that they had experienced. This followed the horrific example of when a plane was flying with holiday makers to Egypt when it had to put down in Brindisi, Southern Italy as the pilot had found a note declaring that there was a bomb on board. This he passed this information on to the passengers. An horrific start to their vacation.

These five other snippets were sent into the programme:

1. ‘I arrived in Cuba 2 hours before a hurricane.’
2. I spent 3 hours in a traffic jam on the M6 between junctions 15 and 16.’
3. ‘My girl friend of 3 years told me our relationship was over as we got off the plane in Barbados.’
4. ‘We were travelling to Toronto, Canada while all our luggage was sent to Toronto, Italy.’
5. ‘I set off from home to Gatwick on Wednesday morning after staying in one of those great Acapulco hotels and because of the appalling weather [snow, ice and blizzards] we didn’t fly to Belfast until Saturday afternoon. I returned home on Sunday. – some short break.’ [A true story that happened to Will’s daughter Hannah]