Month: November 2009

A drunk in the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the Toto toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”

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Bags under the eyes

A woman wanted to have a facelift, so she went to see the doctor. “Yes, I can do it, but you’ll have to return in a few months for a follow-up,” the doctor says.

“I would much rather have it done all at once. I don’t want to have to back,” she tells him.

Thinking for a few minutes, the doctor tells her, “We do have a new procedure. We put a screw in the top of your head, then any time you happen to see wrinkles reappearing, you turn the screw and it pulls the skin up causing the wrinkles to disappear. That’s better than any deep wrinkle treatment”

“Perfect,” she says, “that’s what I’d like to have.”

A few months later the woman bursts into the doctor’s office. “How’s the procedure holding up?” he asks her. “Horrible!” she shouts. “It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” asks the doctor. “What’s wrong? Take a look at these bags under my eyes,” she screams.

“Ma’am, those are not bags,” the doctor says, “those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to end up with a beard!”

The squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “You must have one of the best jobs Philly has to offer. What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”