The Movie Director

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever (he had learnt about the Internet and wanted to get into live video streaming services) when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

“So sorry about your untimely death,” he tells the director. “But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him.”

The great man is humbled, “God wants ME to direct a film?”

“Yes,” St. Peter tells him. “And we’ve arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare.”

The director is stunned, “An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?”

“Yes,” St. Peter assures him, “And it’s his greatest work ever.”

“Wow!” says the Director, awe struck.

“Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We’ve got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles.”

The Director can’t believe it. “This is incredible,” he says. “This will be the greatest movie ever?”

St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. “Well,” he says, “we do have one tiny little problem.”

“Problem?” says the director. “What kind of a problem?”

St. Peter puts his arm around the director’s shoulder, “Ya see,” he whispers, “God’s got this girlfriend…”

The perfect gift

Christmas from the present's perspective

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, I really don’t want to get her another one of those gift cards, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“…And did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, “I’ll be back in an hour!!!”

Delia vs The Real Woman

Delia’s Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman’s Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch wrapped up in one of your official NFL jerseys with your feet up eating it anyway.

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Delia’s Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman’s Way

Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

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Delia’s Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman’s Way

Tescos’ sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

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Delia’s Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman’s Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’

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Delia’s Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman’s Way

It could keep forever. Who eats it?

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Delia’s Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman’s Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

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Delia’s Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman’s Way

Why do I have a man?

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Delia’s Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman’s Way

Left over wine???? Helllloooo!!