Tag: women

Modems vs Women

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

  • A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing “AT”.
  • When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
  • A modem won’t say a word if you come home late.
  • A modem can’t collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
  • A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
  • You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
  • A modem doesn’t mind if you call another modem.
  • Modems don’t trawl the internet looking for the strongest diet pills around.
  • A virus you catch from your modem doesn’t require a trip to the doctor.
  • You don’t have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
  • Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.

Which women to marry?

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a couple of televisions with chrome tv stands, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

How to take a shower

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower..

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time, possibly because you’ve been planning that aluminum fence installation instead of watching what you were doing.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!!!!!!

Men are just happier people

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £48..50 None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argu ment.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband..
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it … and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Delia vs The Real Woman

Delia’s Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman’s Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch wrapped up in one of your official NFL jerseys with your feet up eating it anyway.

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Delia’s Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman’s Way

Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

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Delia’s Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman’s Way

Tescos’ sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

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Delia’s Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman’s Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’

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Delia’s Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman’s Way

It could keep forever. Who eats it?

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Delia’s Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman’s Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

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Delia’s Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman’s Way

Why do I have a man?

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Delia’s Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman’s Way

Left over wine???? Helllloooo!!

If women ruled the world

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

‘Ms. Magazine’ would have an annual swimsuits issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would learn phrases like: I’m sorry, I love you, You’re beautiful, Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I’ll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can’t pretend to be single.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.