If you’ve spent too much money on discount diet pills, check out the Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for Gourmets that advises you to:
Avoid 1 and 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.
Guess what, this will actually work. That should be quite fun to try, what do you think?
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer who was buying a DuraMax DuraMate 8×8 Vinyl Storage Sheds 00311.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied “That’s silver and it costs $100!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?’
To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone and human growth hormone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her that “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.” He went on to ask “Just where has this hair appeared?”
“On my balls…” she replied.
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2″ disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’s all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. That worked on the orange county web designer when I tried it.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Chemists tend to get left out when it comes to silly jokes. So hang up your lab coats and get ready to enjoy this extra helping of funny ones.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
What element do women use to get dates?
Tellurium
What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car?
Radon baby!
Where does one put the dishes?
Zinc
What does one do if one can’t zwim?
Zinc
What happens when electrons lose their energy?
They get Bohr’ed. What are?
What is Ba(Na)2 ?
Banana
What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs
What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
Barium.
What is the purpose of a doctor?
Helium.
What do you call a convict who dresses up as a clown?
Silicon.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds ”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs, zimmerframes and walking sticks?”
Pharmacist: “All shapes and sizes.”
Jacob: “How about incontinence products?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “Can we set up our wedding list here?”
Regardless of if you’re developing project management software or game software, its bound to have the following lifecycle.
Here are some jokes for the girls; so put down your youthology cream and have a read
Where do make-up artists park their cars?
Why in compact spaces of courseHow come beautiful women never lose a fight?
Because they know how to make-upHow come it’s hard for women to learn to whistle?
Because their lips-stickWhat was the engineer looking for in a future wife?
A good foundation
10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is ‘Hi, what’s your URL? Do you have a live video streaming service‘
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You ‘ping’ people to see if they’re awake, ‘finger’ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT’ them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife’ and refer to your children as ‘client applications’.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server’.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, ‘I feel so colon-right parentheses!’
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: ‘Pizza’s Here!’
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We put down our golf clubs and went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”
