Diet pills

Here’s a great one a friend of mine told me. He needs to lose a few pounds, maybe not as many as I do, but you can tell he’s a bit chubby. Anyway, onto the joke:

“I’m prescribing these safe diet pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.

“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time….”

Run, bunny, run!

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper, next to an advert for diet pills that work, for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed my ass”, he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”

Selection of Diet Excuses

  • But the doughnut was calling my name.
  • But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
  • I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories, especially if you have some slimvox.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  • Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
  • Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so she went to ask her doctor does hoodia actually work. Her doctor wasn’t too sure and puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”

Blonde Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so after considering msm dietary supplement, her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

I’m so fat that …

When I dance I make the band skip.

My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.

My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.

I have a phobia .. of the life fitness treadmill at home.

My driver’s license says picture continued on other side.

When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.

When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!

Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.

They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.

I could become rich and sell shade.

My belly button doesn’t have lint — it has sweaters.

And you think YOU’RE fat?

Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Don’t worry about diet pills that work, eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

?

We love celery

After my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. Much better to eat healthy than to spend time looking for diet pills that actually work.

While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.

When it was over, my husband turned to me. “Did you ever notice,” he asked, “that they never advertise celery on TV?”

Five steps to a healthy diet

If you’ve spent too much money on discount diet pills, check out the Federal Drudge Administration is planning to issue a Guideline for Gourmets that advises you to:

  1. List your ten favorite foods.
  2. List your five favorite beverages.
  3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little tree
  4. List water

Avoid 1 and 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

Guess what, this will actually work. That should be quite fun to try, what do you think?

Diet facts

A diet is a weigh of life.

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.

It’s something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don’t gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure bit doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and desert (no need for any fat burner side effects).

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can’t you fit into the store’s dresses, you can’t fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – FAST.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, “the pause that refleshes.”