Who let the dogs out?

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new herbal sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

Too many hormones

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone and human growth hormone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her that “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.” He went on to ask “Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls…” she replied.

It’s all about the Os

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs (coke, Stimerex ES, heroin, the works) and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

“How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”
“10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)

“Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”
“50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”

Dumb Crook

This story is reported to the true, but I don’t have independent verification yet. Still, it will go down in urban legend:

A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town.

His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual.

Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a hi-def camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.

The driver, a an off duty police officer, was happy to comply.