Practise makes perfect

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But every now and again, he picks up his remote from off the dvd storage unit and he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex. Golf .. sex .. golf .. sex, he keeps switching between the two.

“I don’t know whether to watch them or the tournament,” he says to his wife.

“For Heaven’s sake, watch them,” his wife says. “You already know how to play golf!”

A golf love story

At dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said,

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 23 more votes?”

The Hooker

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you Jody.” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf; I even collect used golf balls.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I.” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see.” he said. Then brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

I tried it once ..

A sale representative for a mobile satellite company stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. “No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.”

Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”

Half an hour late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”

The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up his golf clubs on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.

He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”

I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”

He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”

I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?”

“That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied

The golfer in the emergency room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We put down our golf clubs and went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!

What if I died, dear?

Here’s a great joke that could happen to just about anyone. What do you think?

—————–

Wife: “Would you get a girlfriend again if I died?”

Husband: “Of course not.”

Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

Husband: “Ok, I would marry again.” (annoyed)

Wife: “Oh…” (sad)

Husband: -silence-

Wife: “Would you live in our house?”

Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

Wife: “Would you two sleep in our sleep number bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”

Husband: “I guess I would, it’s almost new.”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs, too?”

Husband: “No, she’s left handed.”

Wife: -silence-

——————-

That’s a great joke by my book, but for some reason, my wife didn’t find it funny 😉

Anything for an ace

He’d been playing for twenty years and he’d never managed it – the ultimate goal, a hole in one. As he was chipping away in a sandtrap one day and moving nothing but sand, he voiced the thought. “I’d give anything,” he said, “anything to get a hole in one.”

“Anything?” came a voice from behind and he turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with neatly polished horns and sharpened tail.

“What did you have in mind?” the golfer enquired.

“Well would you give up half your sex life.'”

“Yes, Yes I would.”

“It’s a deal then,” and the figure faded discreetly from sight.

On the very next hole he did it. The ball just soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole. And for good measure, every other hole he played that round he holed in one. As he was putting his golf equipment away the figure in red appeared once more.

“Now for our bargain,” he said. “You remember you must give up half your sex life.”

The golfer frowned. “That gives me a bit of a problem,” he said.

“You’re not backing out of this,” cried the figure with a swish of its tail.

“We’d struck a bargain and you agreed to it.”

“Yes, of course. But I do have a problem. Which half of my sex life do you want – the thinking or the dreaming?”

Golf Etiquette Rules

  • The greatest mystery in golf is how come players who can hit 100 balls on the range in ten minutes flat cannot make 94 strokes out on the course in anything under five hours
  • The only really useful golf tip is one given to the starter to get you out ahead of a mixed foursome
  • When another foursome is on the green ahead, “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So what?” is not an apology, and “Up yours” is not an explanation
  • Always replace divots in the fairway and rake footprints in the sand traps even if you have to move your ball to do so
  • Even if she lies 22, never in the entire history of golf has a lady player ever picked up her ball
  • Everyone picks up the tab when they’re playing alone
  • Everyone rakes the bunker after a beautiful out
  • Everyone repairs the ball mark after a fabulous putt
  • Everyone replaces the divot after a great shot
  • If the course is completely empty when you drive up, it’s because an outing of 100 golfers is about to tee off in a shotgun start or they’re aerating the greens
  • If you aren’t paired with the two loud- mouthed dickheads you saw unloading their clubs in the parking lot, it’s because the couple from hell is waiting for you on the first tee
  • If you can’t outrun a golf club, don’t give advice
  • If you ever par the first three holes, you’ll have a twenty-minute wait on the next tee
  • Never steal a lost ball until it stops rolling
  • Never take lessons from your father. Never teach golf to your wife. Never play your son for money. Never mess with your wife’s golf equipment
  • No golfer ever played too fast No group ever played too quietly
  • No golfer ever dressed too plainly
  • No matter how early your tee time, there will always be a foursome in the middle of the first fairway
  • No one blows his nose at the end of your follow-through
  • No one has a coughing fit as you walk off the tee
  • No one rattles the ballwasher while you’re tying your shoes
  • Play is always faster on the other nine
  • Remember, it only takes a moment to pick up a wedge left on the green by a group of slow players in front of you and windmill it into a pond
  • Slow players are early risers
  • The course marshal is a retired mortician with cataracts and the shakes

Religious Battle Golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus, who’s a whizz with his adams golf drivers. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”