Bathroom Scales Tips & Tricks

1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight!

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget to remove jewelery as it could weigh as much as a pound!

4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.

5. Always go to the bathroom first and always take your diet pills after you get weighed. Every little counts.

6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).

7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)

8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped onto the scale normally.

Your Diet

For those of you who have tried Atkins, overdosed on lipovox and watch what you eat…

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Food and Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. You don’t even need any phentermine or any other diet pills! This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”