Tag: food

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

Here’s a recipe for you and if you need an apron for this one just click through here.

You’ll need the following:

  • 1 Cup water
  • 1 Cup sugar
  • 1 Cup brown sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • lemon juice
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 2 Cups dried fruit nuts
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to off the beat turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?!

Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Don’t worry about diet pills that work, eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

?

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough ariation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, end up buying drugs like phentermine, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may wish to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color).
A handful of potato chips.
A glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring it inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some of the punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast:
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:
Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatballs on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

I would take the small one

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner after finishing some leaflets on apidexin reviews. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”

Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”

Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”

Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”

Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
  • The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge, right next to your collection of diets that work.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
  • Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

Rules for your diet

Here are things you need to keep in mind for your upcoming diet:

  • If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
  • Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner, just make sure they don’t have any fat burner.
  • Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  • If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
  • Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  • If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
  • If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  • Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

10 New Diets

You’ve tried Dr. Stillman’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the magic diet pill and more, but you’re still lugging those extra pounds around. What’s a food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene. One of them is bound to do the trick.

1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because you’re so addicted to being online, you don’t eat for days at a time.

2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing you’re really eating Death by Chocolate.

3. The Play With Your Food Diet. You’re so busy making a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.

4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you capture your friend’s players. You lose the game and you lose weight.

5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels, trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table is constantly shifting, so you don’t get to eat much, and thus lose weight. (This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing home.)

6. The Fisherman’s Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.

7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli is now mostly air, so you don’t gain any weight.

8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food Diet. Now you can’t eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.) You really lose weight.

9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose weight.

10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweetheart’s hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

Food and Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. You don’t even need any phentermine or any other diet pills! This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”