Helping an overweight blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice about how to lose weight fast. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

Weight Loss Buddies

My friend Annie announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. We were both no stranger to weight gain and weight loss and this was the umpteenth diet we were trying.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

Some diet excuses

  • But the doughnut was calling my name.
  • But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
  • I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.
  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • I didn’t understand all those quick trim reviews
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  • Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
  • Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Creation Duel

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
And God said, “Let there be light” and there was light. And God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, “There goes the neighborhood.”
And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, “I know how I can get back in this game.”
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: “You want fries with that?” And Man said: “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds, though he wasn’t sure how to achieve fast weight loss.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man’s health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: “Do I look fat?”
And the Devil said, “Always tell the truth.” And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

Jump .. jump .. jump

A blonde is terribly overweight, even tried some adipex no prescription without any luck, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

I’m so fat that …

  • When I dance I make the band skip.
  • My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
  • When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.
  • My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.
  • lipozene just doesn’t do anything to me
  • My driver’s license says picture continued on other side.
  • When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
  • When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!
  • Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
  • They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.
  • I could become rich and sell shade.
  • My belly button doesn’t have lint — it has sweaters.

And you think YOU’RE fat?

Hiding the evidence

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had tried all the weightloss products on the market and still hadn’t lost any weight. Here was one of the stories she told her friends:

She’d made her family’s favourite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

“What did he say when he found out?” one club member asked.

“He never found out,” she said. “I made another cake and ate half.”

No more meat

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month — until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

(Turned out she had tried the cabbage soup diet, Atkins, even phentermine diet pills so she was quite an expert)

A blonde diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. It’s the best way to burn fat. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

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Check the milk

I had a friend looking to lose weight without messing with diet pills, so I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

“Sure, it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”

“Because according to the bottle,” the daughter explained, “this milk expired two years ago.”