Category: Jokes

Johnny goes to third grade

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, “Johnnie! What is your problem?!”

Johnnie says, “I’m too smart for the first grade, all we do here is play with toys. My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!”

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal‘s office and explained Johnnie’s request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie’s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Johnnie: “9”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Johnnie: “36”

Principal: “What is 9 x 9?”

Johnnie: “81”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade.”

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie’s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, “Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?”

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, “What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?”

Johnnie: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie ‘s expected answer, Johnnie said, “Pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!”

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store looking to buy a gift for his daughter. He passed over the John Deere toys and settled on the Barbie toys. “How much is that Barbie?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”

Fun Things To Do At A Therapist’s Office

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.

2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his lab coat with your pants.

4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.

5. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”

6. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

8. Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”

9. Sit underneath your chair.

10. Stand on your head.

11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

12. Never stop smiling.

13. Scream every word.

14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.

19. Eat his books.

20. Talk to his leg.

21. Don’t face him when he talks to you.

22. Talk really slowly.

23. Try to eat your hand.

24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.

26. Pretend you hear music.

27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

28. Pretend to drink.

29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Insurance Quotes

Four insurance companies are in competition trying to prove who has the best insurance rates. One comes up with the slogan,

“Coverage from the cradle to the grave.”

The second one tries to improve on that with,

“Coverage from the womb to the tomb.”

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,

“From the sperm to the worm.”

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,

“From the erection to the resurrection.”

Hitched

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” :
– The Engagement Ring
– The Wedding Ring
– The Suffer-Ring
– The Endue-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
– In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
– In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
– In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.” (Pity it wasn’t one of those benchmark rings)

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Where jewellery comes from

One afternoon a little girl returned home from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: “Really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl explained, “Well…Okay…the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies.”

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies. That’s how you get jewellery.”

(Pity mens jewelry doesn’t come the same way)

Two Swedish girls …

One afternoon two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. They were considering setting up a website using live video streaming services but wanted to see what they looked like in a photo first. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When the photographer goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks, “Vot’s he goink to do?”

Her sister answers,” He’s goink to focus!”

The second sister cries,” Bot of us?”

How to detect a mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“There are a number of techniques from multi-factor analysis to detailed observation; but there’s one way that never fails,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

The Mechanic’s Dictionary

Drilling

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, just like golf equipment, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. (Better than one of those car lifts though)

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Golf Etiquette Rules

  • The greatest mystery in golf is how come players who can hit 100 balls on the range in ten minutes flat cannot make 94 strokes out on the course in anything under five hours
  • The only really useful golf tip is one given to the starter to get you out ahead of a mixed foursome
  • When another foursome is on the green ahead, “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So what?” is not an apology, and “Up yours” is not an explanation
  • Always replace divots in the fairway and rake footprints in the sand traps even if you have to move your ball to do so
  • Even if she lies 22, never in the entire history of golf has a lady player ever picked up her ball
  • Everyone picks up the tab when they’re playing alone
  • Everyone rakes the bunker after a beautiful out
  • Everyone repairs the ball mark after a fabulous putt
  • Everyone replaces the divot after a great shot
  • If the course is completely empty when you drive up, it’s because an outing of 100 golfers is about to tee off in a shotgun start or they’re aerating the greens
  • If you aren’t paired with the two loud- mouthed dickheads you saw unloading their clubs in the parking lot, it’s because the couple from hell is waiting for you on the first tee
  • If you can’t outrun a golf club, don’t give advice
  • If you ever par the first three holes, you’ll have a twenty-minute wait on the next tee
  • Never steal a lost ball until it stops rolling
  • Never take lessons from your father. Never teach golf to your wife. Never play your son for money. Never mess with your wife’s golf equipment
  • No golfer ever played too fast No group ever played too quietly
  • No golfer ever dressed too plainly
  • No matter how early your tee time, there will always be a foursome in the middle of the first fairway
  • No one blows his nose at the end of your follow-through
  • No one has a coughing fit as you walk off the tee
  • No one rattles the ballwasher while you’re tying your shoes
  • Play is always faster on the other nine
  • Remember, it only takes a moment to pick up a wedge left on the green by a group of slow players in front of you and windmill it into a pond
  • Slow players are early risers
  • The course marshal is a retired mortician with cataracts and the shakes