Tag: doctor

The doctor’s note ..

A society lady from Quatre Bornes, who was famous for her lavish dinner parties, sent an invitation to the community’s leading internist inviting him to her dinner party.

The doctor replied with a poorly hand-written illegible note. She showed it to her husband saying, “I can’t read this note, I have no idea if he has accepted or refused.”

The husband looked at the note and said, “I’ll take it to the neighboring pharmacy, a pharmacist can always read a doctor’s hand-writing.”

Approaching Maxime, the pharmacist, the husband said, “Can you interpret this for me?”

Maxime looked at the message and said, “Give me a few minutes, ‘Mo vini la’,” and disappeared into the back room. He returned in a few minutes with a small bottle of phentermine.

“Here you are,” he said. “That will be $9.50.”

Who let the dogs out?

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new herbal sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the man answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the man wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

The Funny Rash

This fella goes to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?”

The doctor said “Put this on and come back next week if it doesn’t work.”

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn’t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn’t work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn’t worked so the doctor says “Drop your pants.”

The man drops His pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says “Doctor it`s worked! What was that? acne body wash? Some sort of magic sauce?”

The doctor replies “Lipstick remover.”

The Rash

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen, looking up a list of eczema causes.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

Fun Things To Do At A Therapist’s Office

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.

2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his lab coat with your pants.

4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.

5. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”

6. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

8. Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”

9. Sit underneath your chair.

10. Stand on your head.

11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

12. Never stop smiling.

13. Scream every word.

14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.

19. Eat his books.

20. Talk to his leg.

21. Don’t face him when he talks to you.

22. Talk really slowly.

23. Try to eat your hand.

24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.

26. Pretend you hear music.

27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

28. Pretend to drink.

29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Mechanic vs Doctor

BRISTOL, UNITED KINGDOM - JUNE 20: Staff at C...

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? “Come on ova’ here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on fixing some teryx suspension. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

“So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an’ me is doing basically da same work?”

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

Off to the doctor

A well-constructed miss went to the doctor complaining of vaginal dryness. She was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of you.”

“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re through.”

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”

“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

Hospital Cost Cutting Measures

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Adminstration/Groundskeeping
Date: March 23, 2008
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino’s, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see in the “FROM” line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an adminstrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME_LIFE “How to…” series of maintainence books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox and some medical jewelry will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco’s photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco’s will honor competitor’s coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO’s formulary.