Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. Referred from a medical assistance program.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Fun Things To Do At A Therapist’s Office

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.

2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his lab coat with your pants.

4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.

5. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”

6. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

8. Repeat over and over, “I’m not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!”

9. Sit underneath your chair.

10. Stand on your head.

11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

12. Never stop smiling.

13. Scream every word.

14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.

19. Eat his books.

20. Talk to his leg.

21. Don’t face him when he talks to you.

22. Talk really slowly.

23. Try to eat your hand.

24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.

26. Pretend you hear music.

27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

28. Pretend to drink.

29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.