It’s all for the kids …

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children’s names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.”

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children’s names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, “Whisky”.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daisy & Poppy.”

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:

“Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.”

The horrible truth …

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

What does God look like?

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

The teacher and the whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The teacher was getting all worked up at this point, you know the feeling when you’re being wheeled around on one of those hospital carts when all you see is the ceiling lights flash away. Not a good feeling. And yet, the little girl pushed on.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

Johnny goes to third grade

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, “Johnnie! What is your problem?!”

Johnnie says, “I’m too smart for the first grade, all we do here is play with toys. My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!”

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal‘s office and explained Johnnie’s request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie’s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Johnnie: “9”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Johnnie: “36”

Principal: “What is 9 x 9?”

Johnnie: “81”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade.”

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie’s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, “Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?”

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, “What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?”

Johnnie: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie ‘s expected answer, Johnnie said, “Pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!”

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store looking to buy a gift for his daughter. He passed over the John Deere toys and settled on the Barbie toys. “How much is that Barbie?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”