A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
‘Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s fu’ ae coo’s shite an pish!’
The man replies,
‘My Good fellow, I’m from England . Could you repeat that in English for me’
The keeper replies,
‘I said, use two hands – you spill less that way!!!
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Ralph Lauren tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany where he usually gets the images for his trade show exhibits. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep”.
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. ”
“Now give me back my dog.”
A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. It’s a 2 factor decision: I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility whilst worrying about their acne. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and shrill: “Like, O m’Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
Two photographers were chatting at the camera club…
First Photographer: Never seen you here, have you been a member for long?
Second Photographer: I’ve only just joined, I used to be into live event video streaming, but decided to give photography a shot. Have you taken any good photos recently?
First Photographer: I saw a terrible sight the other day, a beggar was sitting on the steps of a church, wasted with hunger and his clothes all ragged and torn. He was holding out his hands, pleading for a few coins.
Second Photographer: What did you give him?
First Photographer: f8 at 1/125th of a second.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. He used to work in live video casting solutions, but decided to try his hand at selling baby photography services door-to-door.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat ”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.”
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. He tried getting a job with an Orange County web development firm, but couldn’t hack it in the end.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and “It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?”
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?”
“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL”.
‘Thank you for calling Technical Support.’
(This is kind of long… just like waiting for Tech Support)
All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler’s ‘Lugubrious’ Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and ori- ginal packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be im- mediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electron- ics related firm in the industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
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(Rangoon Opera Company’s classic 1963 recording of Wagner’s ‘Ring Cycle’ in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Orange County Tech Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours. _
(Wayne Newton singing ‘Danke Schoen’ 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the tech- nician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
* If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind?
* Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
* Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
* Have I consulted my manual?
* Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
* Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
* Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer ‘yes’ to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indi- cate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustra- tion attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further techni- cal problems arise.
Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about.
The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good H&S practice used a shovel, (not quite safety equipment, but good enough anyway) to separate him from the electricity.
Luckily for the first worker he wasn’t getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers (well wouldn’t you panic). Luckily he didn’t get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated .
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? “Come on ova’ here a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on fixing some teryx suspension. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
“So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an’ me is doing basically da same work?”
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
