Category: Jokes

Which women to marry?

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a couple of televisions with chrome tv stands, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

The golfer in the emergency room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We put down our golf clubs and went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”

Rules for your diet

Here are things you need to keep in mind for your upcoming diet:

  • If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
  • Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner, just make sure they don’t have any fat burner.
  • Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  • If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
  • Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  • If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
  • If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  • Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

Going to heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat even without an ephedra diet pill and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Where do kids come from?

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

I used to go online using my satellite internet while I was out camping. Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

“You’ve got Male!”

The 25 BBS Commandments

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
4. Honor thy SysOp.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
6. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.
8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
10. Thou shalt help other users.
11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
12. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp’s rules.
20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
21. Thou shalt not upload “worm” programs.
22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications (even if you DO have high speed satellite internet), or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
25. Thou shalt not hack.

Come back here

This bloke bought a new Mercedes sports coupe and took it out on the highway to enjoy his new purchase. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 160 kph he suddenly saw a flashing blue and red light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch my Mercedes,” he thought to himself and pressed the peddle to the floor. The needle hit 190 but still the cop stayed on his tail. “What in hell am I doing?” the driver thought and wisely pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word then examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last booking,” he said. I don’t feel like any more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off!”

The driver thought a moment, then said, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop in one of those Yamaha Rhinos….and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice night and tone down your speed”, said the officer.

Free gym sessions

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmills, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.

What if I died, dear?

Here’s a great joke that could happen to just about anyone. What do you think?

—————–

Wife: “Would you get a girlfriend again if I died?”

Husband: “Of course not.”

Wife: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

Husband: “Ok, I would marry again.” (annoyed)

Wife: “Oh…” (sad)

Husband: -silence-

Wife: “Would you live in our house?”

Husband: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

Wife: “Would you two sleep in our sleep number bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you let her drive my car?”

Husband: “I guess I would, it’s almost new.”

Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs, too?”

Husband: “No, she’s left handed.”

Wife: -silence-

——————-

That’s a great joke by my book, but for some reason, my wife didn’t find it funny 😉

Tech Support

Tech: Computer Services Orange County this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn’t put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I’m looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these “bookmarks” located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

Female Customer: Yes that one!

Tech: Miss, that’s the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn’t type in those X rated web addresses!

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

(Several seconds of silence pass … Hey! I wasn’t going to say it!)

Female Customer: …….. oh …………. OOOH! … Thank you.

(She quickly hung up)