Category: Jokes

Crazy English

Crazy English

[Many of these are mere wordplay, but several are linguistic anomalies. One interesting thing the author doesn’t note is that in English one tells a lie, but the truth. Try explaining that to a six-year-old! So lie back in your discount classroom furniture and tell me what you think]

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going

The religious horse

A city dweller donned his breeches and came to a farm and saw a beautiful horse. He decided he had to have the animal. He bargained with the farmer and the farmer finally sold him the horse.

The city man jumped on the horse and said, “Giddyup!” The horse didn’t budge. The farmer explained, “This is a special kind of horse. He’ll only move if you say, ‘Praise the Lord.’ To stop him, you have to say, ‘Amen.'”

Keeping this in mind, the new owner yelled, “Praise the Lord!” whereupon the horse took off with great speed. Soon horse and rider were headed for a cliff. Just in time the rider remembered to say “Amen!”

The horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff.

Relieved, the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”

Half an hour late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”

The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up his golf clubs on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.

He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”

I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”

He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”

I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?”

“That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied

Cinema Mayhem

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a cinema. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you”re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager, mumbling about how people nowadays have got used to live video streaming services. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

“All right, buddy. What’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.

“The balcony”

Missed a day at the office …

Do you work in an office? If you do, here’s something that might happen to you …

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss or an Irvine website design company asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!

Stories from a cruise ship

These are true stories from someone who works on a Caribbean cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it’s really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. “We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!”

4. There was some mix-up with a woman’s room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, “Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?” She replied, “Well, it looks like it might rain today. I’d better get an inside cabin.”

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, “Sea water.” “Oh, that explains why it’s so rough today.”

6. Someone — always a man — always asks, “does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”

7. “What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?”

Satellite Jokes

A Spectacular Image to Celebrate the Internati...
Image by Smithsonian Institution via Flickr

And here are some jokes from your favourite satellite service provider:

Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might.
It’s just a satellite

And here’s another one:

Jupiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help these two criminals to rob a bank. Anyway, to make a long story short, they got caught and the three of them found themselves in court. The judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.
“But your honour” said Jupiter, “I didn’t even take part in the robbery!”
“Yes” said the judge. “But you helped them … Planet!”.

And one more

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see lawyers rushing to the scene…

10 signs you’re an Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is ‘Hi, what’s your URL? Do you have a live video streaming service‘

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You ‘ping’ people to see if they’re awake, ‘finger’ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT’ them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife’ and refer to your children as ‘client applications’.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server’.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, ‘I feel so colon-right parentheses!’

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: ‘Pizza’s Here!’

Fix my shoes

Swanson Shoe Repair (founded 1928), Wallingfor...
Image via Wikipedia

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man put down the pair of Dansko clogs he was fixing and said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

Grocery Shopping

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where, amidst the beeps of the barcode scanner, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”