Month: March 2009

Lawyer in heaven

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I’ll show you around Heaven.”

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

“Was that God,” the priest asked, stunned by the display.

“Oh heavens no,” replied St. Peter. “That was a Seattle injury lawyer.”

“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?” The priest continued, “I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don’t understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion.”

“It isn’t what he did,” St. Peter replied. “You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he’s our first lawyer.”

Rules for eating chocolate

NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 13: Heart shaped chocolat...
  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.Anoretix saves the day.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

How old was that?

Mystery ruins

A tourist from Outer Banks is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

“This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

The New Patio

Concrete blocks

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks and placed an order for the patio furniture he thought he’d need; but first he needed to get started on the floor. Laying the cement blocks out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our ‘nosey’ next-door neighbor asked, “Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away ‘EVERY’
night?”

The Tennis Ball

A :en:Tennis ball Author: :en:User:Fcb981

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts, nice that No Fear clothing has so many pockets huh?.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him couldn’t help but notice the large bulge.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing at his shorts.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh my gosh,” said the girl sympathetically… ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!”

Religious Battle Golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus, who’s a whizz with his adams golf drivers. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”