It’s all about the watch ..

An Italian parks his brand new BMW in front of the office, just down the street from Casa Napoli, to show it off to his bros. As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding away.

More than a little distraught, the Italian grabs his cell and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive . Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Italian starts screaming hysterically:

“My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined !!!! No matter how long at the body shop it’ll never be the same again!”

After the Italian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust, looking at one of those citizen watches on his wrist: “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Italians are,” he says.”You guys are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the Italian.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.” ?

The Italian looks down in absolute horror. “HOLY S…….!!!!!! he screams……..”Where’s my f * in’ Rolex ????…

Snow

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, ‘What is your name?’

‘I can’t tell you,’ the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again ‘Can you please tell me your name?’

‘I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me.’ says the black man.

‘There is no reason for me to laugh at you,’  the lady says.

‘Fine, my name is Snow!’  the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, ‘ I knew you would make fun of it’.

The  lady replied, ‘I’m not making fun of your name. I’m  thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I  tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica.

The Jazz Drummer

In New York City, an out of work yamaha cp50 and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile.

“You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.”

“But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?”

“No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

“Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?”

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13.”

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips. They even tried wearing Klim Revolt Jersey to see if they could feel their way about.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty times.

Some SEO jokes

I came across some SEO jokes recently. Check out if you like them:

  • How many SEO specialists does it take to change a lightbulb, light_bulb, light-bulb, light.bulb, light bulb ?
  • SEOs are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing, even if there was a promise of Best Joomla Web Hosting.
  • What did the SEO do on his honeymoon? A: He put a “nofollow” outside the door.
  • What does BLOG stand for? A Better Listing On Google.
  • What does an evangelist drink out of when partying hard? A conversion funnel.
  • What do you call driving into London? Paid traffic.
  • Old SEOs never die, they just lose their rankings.

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

You will need the following; a cup of water, a cup of sugar, flour, 4 large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. (This ain’t one of those tailgating recipes)

Sample the whiskey and check the quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Don’t fart in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Even getting a new bed from DayBeds.com didn’t make any difference. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

That’s a nice cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar. One of them Rocky Patel cigars in fact”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Some Yoyo jokes

Here are some yoyo jokes all the way from the yoyofactory. Hope you enjoy them!

What goes BUZZZZZ, ZZZZZUB, BUZZZZZ, ZZZZZUB?
A bee stuck to a yo-yo.

Teacher: What did Robert the Bruce do after watching the spider climbing up and down?
Girl: He went and invented the yo-yo.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along?

What did the one yoyo say to the other yoyo when he saw him?
Yo.

Why did the yoyo cross the street?
Because it was walking the dog.

The Housekeeper

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the housekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out.”

“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper. I must certainly recommend the durham maid service

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”