You’re asking for too much

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her — knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.

The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”

WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage with one of those garage floor solutions, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”

A golf love story

At dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said,

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 23 more votes?”

Do you know who I am?

A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE (Continuing Education) requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent for www.equote.com wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

“You´ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.

“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I´ll finish it.”

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.

“You can´t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”

“Do you know who I am?” replies the agent.

“No”, says the administrator.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” the agent says more forcefully.

“No, and I really don´t care” replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.

“Good,” says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.

A newly divorced woman …

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a “man’s world” there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases, including tools, toggle bolts and all sort of other bits she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn’t bought any files.

She pointed to one and said “May I have one of those ?” The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, “What… one of those bastards ?”

Without a pause, she said, “Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to ’em too.”

Scottish Pragmatism

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, “I’ve never seen such poor golf!”

The Scotsman chimed in, “Och aye! We ha’ been waitin’ for nigh on fifteen minutes!”

The Businessman called out, “Move it on you guys, time is money.”

The Priest said, “Here comes George the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hello, George!” said the Priest, “What’s wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

George the green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to.”

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, 
“That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The Doctor said, 
“Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there’s anything they can do for them.”

The Businessman replied, 
“I think I’ll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls.”

And the Scotsman said, 
“Why kin they no play at night?

IT Helpdesk calls

User’s new notebook PC has a wireless network card. He loves it – for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. “Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?” asks systems administrator. “No,” says sales guy impatiently. “It’s wireless, why would I?”

Accounting department reports that the backup tape for a server won’t stay in. Tech geek tries, and runs a backup without a problem – but the next day the complaint is back. “We asked them to show us the problem, but they were too busy to stop and work with us,” tech says. “This went on for weeks until accounting submitted a purchase order to hire a consultant. He came out and watched as our accountant inserted a cleaning tape into the drive – and a few seconds later it popped out. Consultant made a big label that said CLEANING TAPE, explained to the accountant that she needs to back up her data on one of the tapes that does not say CLEANING TAPE on it, and billed us $150.”

Help desk worker gets a puzzling question from a user: Can she send e-mail to a company in the U.K.? She explained that she tried to e-mail some people in the U.K. and the e-mail came back. She was under the impression that e-mail was like the phone system, and since she couldn’t make an international call, she couldn’t send an international e-mail.”

I can’t connect with the network, remote user tells help desk. “After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user’s modem, which basically died,” tech reports. Impatient user’s next question: “Where can I download another modem?”

User’s PC hard drive is damaged, but support tech manages to recover the files in key directories and copies them to a new drive. Still, user is furious: “Where the @#$%! are all my files? Did you wipe drive for me?” “Where were the files that are missing now?” technician asks. “I used to save them in that cute can. I use those files a lot, and that icon says ‘Recycle,’ so I thought it was a good place to put the files that I reuse often.”

Newly hired user to IT manager: “My mouse pad is missing. Do you have another?” No, but you can get an office supply catalog from purchasing, pick out one you like and have them order it. New hire leaves, only to return minutes later: “My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you’re the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system.”

Where in the world …?

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude
and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consults his portable gps equipment and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!”

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.”

The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.” “I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Female Dentist

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. “No way!  No needles. I hate needles” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:” I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!’ The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. “No objection,”  he says. “I’m fine with pills.” The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. “What are they?” he says. “Viagra,” says the dentist. “Heck,”   the patient says, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.” “It doesn’t” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”