Minimum Wage

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and They would be sending an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up, having just completed an icverify audit. “Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy. “Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a Week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.

This shop sells absolutely EVERYTHING!

A man is walking buy a shop which has a sign in the window reading “WE SELL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING”. Looking in from the window you could see a whole bunch of stuff, from designer upholstery fabric all the way to fart cushions!

The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper, “Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please”.

The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room. He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.

The man says “That’s not a waist coat for a chicken!”

To which the shopkeeper replies, “No sir, but it’s the closest we’ve got – A PULLOVER FOR A COCK”

Arriving in heaven

Three men die and go to heaven and are standing there admiring the art while in a queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Disneyland Survey

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland, targeted at people on a disney world vacation, produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse likes Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers Root beer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

That’s pretty interesting now isn’t it? So, when was the last time that you went to Disneyland?

Blonde at the appliance store

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big cellular shades, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Give us your watch

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-“You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

-“But grandpa, I really don”t like guns. How about you leave me your golf gps watch instead?”

-“Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then……pointa to you watch and a say, TIME’S UP?”

Beautiful

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after having laser spine surgery in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?'” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

The Bracelet

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. After looking at a charm bracelet charm, she spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with,

‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? ‘

A short love story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man woke out of his progene-induced haze, leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am…?

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?’ I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight……let’s pretend that we’re married’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed..

‘Good,’ she replied. ‘Get your own ******* blanket.’

After a moment of silence…he farted.

The End

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. They didn’t look black, steel building colors, purple or any other colour.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?’