Gone camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

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That’s a nice cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar. One of them Rocky Patel cigars in fact”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Some Yoyo jokes

Here are some yoyo jokes all the way from the yoyofactory. Hope you enjoy them!

A bee stuck to a yo-yo.

Teacher: What did Robert the Bruce do after watching the spider climbing up and down?
Girl: He went and invented the yo-yo.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along?

What did the one yoyo say to the other yoyo when he saw him?

Why did the yoyo cross the street?
Because it was walking the dog.

Cheeky Memos Parking Notes

I’ve been looking for these for ages, ever since I saw one parked on a car. They contain a memo that says: ‘THANKS!… FOR PARKING SO CLOSE. NEXT TIME LEAVE A FUCKING CAN-OPENER SO I CAN GET MY CAR OUT. ARSEHOLES LIKE YOU SHOULD TAKE A BUS.’ Now, I’m sure you can think of a situation when one of these would have been useful for you. You know, when some idiot parks right up to you and you just can’t move one way or the other. Well, I’ve been looking for these for ages and might just get myself a pad of cheeky memos for Christmas.

Its from the funny gifts section at Find Me A Gift, where they have an entire section devoted to the funniest gifts you could fine this side of Christmas. From Yo Mama Toilet Roll all the way to the Inflatable Boob Pillow; you’re bound to find something that will please just about anyone.

Check them out!

I love my office

I love my office and its location –
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love office furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;
I’m the happiest slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

Remote Controle Fart Machine

Fart MachineNow this is a must for April fools a remote control fart machine its become a favourite for quite some time now. Unlike the fart cushion where the prank is over as soon as the victim sits down you can bide your time and wait for the ideal opportunity to play your prank. Maybe when the victim is on the phone or busy talking or flirting casually with someone!

This product is being sold at £10.99 and includes free delivery in the UK.