An old man goes into a drug store. Pottering around, looking at the medicines, weight loss supplements and hair sprays, he finally managed to find the pharmacist and told him he wanted to buy some Viagra
‘Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?’
‘I can cut them for you’ said the pharmacist
‘but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ‘
‘I’m 96’ said the old man.
‘I don’t want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’
1300.01 GENERAL
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder – 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor – 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator – 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut – 2
5. Honest Attorney – EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat – 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner – 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser – 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender – $100 bounty
You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.
A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog’s homepage is actually good.
You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you sign up for satellite internet services, buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever (he had learnt about the Internet and wanted to get into live video streaming services) when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.
“So sorry about your untimely death,” he tells the director. “But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him.”
The great man is humbled, “God wants ME to direct a film?”
“Yes,” St. Peter tells him. “And we’ve arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare.”
The director is stunned, “An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?”
“Yes,” St. Peter assures him, “And it’s his greatest work ever.”
“Wow!” says the Director, awe struck.
“Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We’ve got Leonardo Da Vinci doing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles.”
The Director can’t believe it. “This is incredible,” he says. “This will be the greatest movie ever?”
St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. “Well,” he says, “we do have one tiny little problem.”
“Problem?” says the director. “What kind of a problem?”
St. Peter puts his arm around the director’s shoulder, “Ya see,” he whispers, “God’s got this girlfriend…”
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, I really don’t want to get her another one of those gift cards, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.
“…And did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, “I’ll be back in an hour!!!”
Delia’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman’s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch wrapped up in one of your official NFL jerseys with your feet up eating it anyway.
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Delia’s Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman’s Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
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Delia’s Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman’s Way
Tescos’ sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
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Delia’s Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman’s Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’
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Delia’s Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman’s Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
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Delia’s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman’s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?
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Delia’s Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman’s Way
Why do I have a man?
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Delia’s Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman’s Way
Left over wine???? Helllloooo!!
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for their adam golf irons?
A: In the closet, where they’ve been for the last 40 years.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: Gosh, I remember these.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were being interviewed. As part of the process, they were given 2 brass ball bearings, left alone for a while, then asked what they had done.
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, wearing one of those NFL Jerseys that was a few sizes too large for him, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child’s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”
A blond walked into a store one day looking for a television. She finds the one that she was looking for on a shelf next to a tv stand, so she picks it up and takes it up to the front to pay for it.
The guy working at the cash register looks at her and says “Sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell anything to blonds.” Frustrated, the blond sets the TV down and storms out. She gets an idea, and goes out and buys a brunette wig. The next day, she walks in, grabs the same TV set and takes it up to the cash register. The guy says, “Like I told you yesterday, ma’am, we don’t sell anything to blonds.”
She angrily sets the TV down and storms out. The next day, she walks in with a redhead wig and takes the television up to pay for it. The guy looks at her and says “For the last time, we don’t sell our merchandise to blonds.”
Aggravated, the blond shouts “Well, damnit, why not?” The guy stares at her and replies “Let me put it to you this way,” he points to the TV, “that’s a microwave.”
