Category: Jokes

Redneck Computer Terms

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern (no Symbol LS2208 here).

Bug – The reason you is a giv’n for calling in sick.

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Chip – Yer cusin’s uncle’s mother’s boyfriend’s name.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bob’s favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtrak‘s Employee of the year.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.

It’s all about the Os

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs (coke, Stimerex ES, heroin, the works) and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

“How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”
“10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)

“Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”
“50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”

Ferrari in a garage

Ferrari
Image via Wikipedia

One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked. Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*. So, Johnny went home, and asked, “MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??”

His mum replies, ” Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. ”

” Oh… ”

Susie reached her house and asked her father who was playing with his auto accessories:

” Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? ”

” No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don’t let him park his Ferrari in your garage! ”

“Oka…y…y”

The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked. Johnny exclaimed : ” Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! ”

Susie replied : No! ”

He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.

And after 10 minutes Susie went home. ” SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! ”

” Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. ”

Bury the mother-in-law

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, while staying at one of the punta cana hotels, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.” The Consul says “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price.” “No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day, he rose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!”

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Hang up your lab coat

Murphy’s Ten Laws for Experimentalists:

In a scientific experiment,

  1. if something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review
  2. if the reading on your detector is correct, then you have forgot to plug it in
  3. if several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time
  4. if nothing can go wrong with your experiment, something still will
  5. left unto itself, your experiment will go from bad to worse; on the other hand, if you pay attention to the experiment then it will take three times longer to complete than you thought it would
  6. Nature is both subtle and malicious (Murphy stole this one from Albert Einstein)
  7. a straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work
  8. if you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow (experienced experimentalists call this effect “here today, gone tomorrow”)
  9. in contrast to a radio, banging your apparatus when you are at peak frustration will not fix it but permanently break it (for this reason, it is important for experimentalists to remain calm in their lab coats at all times)
  10. when your experiment is just about to succeed, you will run out of grant money.

In short, in a scientific experiment, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

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Calling Computer Support – Orange County

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus looking to solve his problem by calling the best computer support Orange County has to offer.

She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up!

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The Clintons go on holiday

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing at one of these Myrtle Beach vacation rentals. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.”

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A blonde diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. It’s the best way to burn fat. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

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A drunk in the bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the Toto toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”

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Bags under the eyes

A woman wanted to have a facelift, so she went to see the doctor. “Yes, I can do it, but you’ll have to return in a few months for a follow-up,” the doctor says.

“I would much rather have it done all at once. I don’t want to have to back,” she tells him.

Thinking for a few minutes, the doctor tells her, “We do have a new procedure. We put a screw in the top of your head, then any time you happen to see wrinkles reappearing, you turn the screw and it pulls the skin up causing the wrinkles to disappear. That’s better than any deep wrinkle treatment”

“Perfect,” she says, “that’s what I’d like to have.”

A few months later the woman bursts into the doctor’s office. “How’s the procedure holding up?” he asks her. “Horrible!” she shouts. “It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” asks the doctor. “What’s wrong? Take a look at these bags under my eyes,” she screams.

“Ma’am, those are not bags,” the doctor says, “those are your breasts. And if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to end up with a beard!”