Here’s a great one a friend of mine told me. He needs to lose a few pounds, maybe not as many as I do, but you can tell he’s a bit chubby. Anyway, onto the joke:
“I’m prescribing these safe diet pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time….”
A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car, asking: “Where do I buy an ipod touch 3rd gen?” when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, “Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal.”
The engineer stops him, saying, “No, before you do that, we’ll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy.”
The technician laughs and shakes his head. “No, no, no! What’s wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk – now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!”
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months the couldn’t do a paternity test while pregnant so had no idea who the father was. When she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”
She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise.”
“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”
“Denephew. ”
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper, next to an advert for diet pills that work, for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed my ass”, he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it betweenher knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and rocawear jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in who had tried free online dating for ages and ages. He told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common – they were both compulsive liars!
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change color ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains, hoping she didn’t need a torn acl brace. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, “There must be something you’re doing that you haven’t told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?””Well,” she said a little sheepishly, “my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.””That’s got to be it,” said the doctor. “There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.””Not if you’re going to watch T.V. there ain’t,” she replied.
I was in out in my Austin Healey the other morning when my boss rang up and told me: “You’ve been promoted”. And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again”. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, “Now … you’re managing director”. And I drove into a tree.
Then a policeman came up and said, “What happened to you? Do you want me to call a breakdown service?”
And I said, “I careered off the road”.
