Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar commiserating. One says, “Man! If I don’t move some cabin furniture this month, I’m going to lose my ass.”
The second salesman says, “Watch your mouth! There’s a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m’aam.”
The woman looks at him and says, “That’s OK. I’m a hooker. If I don’t move some ass this month, I’m going to lose my furniture!”
Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, in Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the ‘phone broke down.
He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company, who specialised in pay phones and conference call hosting, only made promises.
After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the ‘phone was now working fine, concluding with ‘except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.’
A repairman arrived within the hour.
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one, together with some equestrian clothes and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, “Preacher’s Ass shows”
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. I wiped my hands on my dickies scrubs and got him into the chair. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Man goes into jewellery shop on a Friday afternoon a with drop dead gorgeous woman half his age. After trying on a diamond tennis bracelet they eventually settle on beautiful 4.00ct diamond ring and spectacular diamond bracelet. The man writes out a cheque and explains to shop staff that he understands the cheque will need three days to clear and they should call him when it is cleared.
The couple leave the shop, she very obviously overjoyed. Oh Wednesday the shop staff call the man to advise that his cheque had bounced. “On he says”, I had no intention of buying that jewellery – but I did have the best weekend ever!”
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the top celebrities in town. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect even going as far as to send brownie pops from Sharis Berries to her guests. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.”
He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
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Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write’ click’ and I wrote’ click’.”
At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: “Ok, did you type’ click’ with the keyboard?”
Customer: “I have done something dumb, right?”
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One woman called Dell’s toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, “I just paid $2, 000 for this damn thing, and I’m not going to read the book.”
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Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”
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Customer: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support: “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer: “I typed’ A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer: “It says’ [PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer: “What?”
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer “No…”
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Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the’ OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
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Customer: “Uhh… I need help unpacking my new PC.”
Tech Support: “What exactly is the problem?”
Customer: “I can’t open the box.”
Tech Support: “Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.”
Customer: “Uhhhh… ok, thanks….”
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Customer: “I’m having a problem installing your software. I’ve got a fairly old computer, and when I type’ INSTALL’, all it says is’ Bad command or file name‘.”
Tech Support: “Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:> and type’ dir’.”
Customer reads off a list of file names, including’ INSTALL. EXE’.
Tech Support: “All right, the correct file is there. Type’ INSTALL’ again.”
Customer: “Ok.” (pause) “Still says’ Bad command or file name’.”
Tech Support: “Hmmm. The file’s there in the correct place-it can’t help but do something. Are you sure you’re typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?”
Customer: “Yes, let me try it again.” (pause) “Nope, still’ Bad command or file name’.”
Tech Support: (now really confused) “Are you sure you’re typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says’ Enter’?”
Customer: “Well, yeah. Although my’ N’ key is stuck, so I’m using the’ M’ key… does that matter?
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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer’s asset barcode with a bluetooth barcode scanner or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: “Hello. I can’t get on the network.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.”
Customer: “What is that?”
Tech Support: “That little barcode on the front of your computer.”
Customer: “Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar.. . ”
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And the best for last!!!!
Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”
Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”
Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”
Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”
Tech Support: “You did what sir?”
Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”
Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”
Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”
Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”
Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?” Silence.
Tech Support: “Sir?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”
Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”
Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”
Customer: “Ummmm.”
Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”
Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”
Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”
A man was talking to his friend while shopping for 3rd anniversary gifts. His friend, quite a veteran at gift buying, had almost reached his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, “What did you do for your 25th?”
He said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”
The friend then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?”
He said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back.”
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer talked to him while putting on his dan gable wrestling shoes and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded!
When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. “So!” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off did it?” “No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference on industrial pumps whenthey were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
“You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”
The Englishman spoke first.
“Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all your men.”
“That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”
The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management.”
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
“What is YOUR last request?”
The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”
