Month: December 2010

Scottish guy walks into a bar in Cuba

A scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free.

He asks the bartender, “Can ya pour me a wee bit o Scotch?”.

“You got money?”, asks the bartender.

“Nay, I havna any cash but Ah was hoopin you could spot me wee drrrink.”.

“We don’t do free drinks!”, responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth.

He walks up to the bar and mutters (in Cuban accent), “Castro‘s Men” and receives a free beer no questions asked.

This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea.

He hails the bartender and mutters to him, “Castro’s Men”.

The bartender looks him up and down and says, “You don’t look like you have a beard and cigars!”.

The Scottish guy lifts his kilt and says, “Aye! Secrret Serrvice!”.

Blonde Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so after considering msm dietary supplement, her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

I’m so fat that …

When I dance I make the band skip.

My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.

My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.

I have a phobia .. of the life fitness treadmill at home.

My driver’s license says picture continued on other side.

When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.

When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!

Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.

They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.

I could become rich and sell shade.

My belly button doesn’t have lint — it has sweaters.

And you think YOU’RE fat?

Good morning

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man dropped some cordless phone reviews on the businessman’s desk and said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Advanced Life Support

Here’s one to remember if you’re in an emergency and don’t have a vital signs monitor.

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.

“Kin ya swaller?” asked Kenzie. The woman signalled ‘No!’, desperately shaking her head. “Kin ya breathe?” asked Brian.

The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration “Ya know Kenzie, I’d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.”

NHS

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: ‘You want hot fudge with that?’ And Man said: ‘Yes!’ And Woman said: ‘I’ll have one too …with sprinkles.’ And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: ‘Try my fresh green garden salad.’ And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: ‘I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.’ And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.Funny Doctor Cartoons

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, ‘You want fries with that?’ And Man replied: ‘Yes! And super size ’em!’ And Satan said: ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed…and created quadruple by-pass surgery and life insurance quotes.

And then…Satan chuckled

and created the National Health Service……………

Keep in touch with your mobile phone

Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a new htc desire 2.2 mobile telephone.  Betty is excited, she loves her phone.  Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, ‘Hi ya, Betty,’ he says, ‘how do you like your new phone?’ Betty replies, ‘I just love it, it’s so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one feature that I really don’t understand though.’

‘What’s that, Betty?’ asks the husband.

‘How did you know that I was at Tesco?’

Rules for eating chocolate

  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Don’t worry about diet pills that work, eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
  • Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

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Why IT jobs can be frustrating

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but like many IT Jobs, sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do I get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

– And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!