Here’s a great joke I heard, which made me think of Arthur:
At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl to come down the aisle. She wasn’t alone, but followed by a little boy carring a ladys and mens wedding bands.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”
I can just picture him growling at all the guests 😉
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He would come last even if his jeep had teryx performance kit and his competitors were walking.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
A lady goes on vacation after getting one of these famous travel deals to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you” the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
” I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me.” says the black man.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.
“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter.
The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”.
The lady replied, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!”
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans, so you don’t even need to get the best fat burner diet out there! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
I was asked the other day about how I backup my data and was thinking how my biggest storage requirements (as in big files not biggest requirements) are around videos. The thing about funny videos is that you can find a lot of them online, but I like to keep my personal ones stored at a higher quality, so have to store them myself.
While looking around I came across an external 250Gb drive that’s currently on sale at buy.com. It looks like a great little gadget that I can easily carry around; and it looks really snazzy (does anyone use that word any more?). It’s one of the smaller type of disks (2.5″) that don’t require an additional power adapter but draw their power directly from your USB port. It’s small enough to fit in your pocket and even lets you encrypt the data on the drive so if someone nicks it for you they don’t have all your information.
I can’t stress how important backups can be (and that’s no joke). There’s nothing worse then trying to explain to someone who has lost their data that there’s nothing they can do about it, just start collecting information again. Don’t forget how some data can be priceless .. you know .. people falling off chairs, buckets of water falling on their head …
One afternoon, an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector visited the Rabbi of a Synagogue to audit the accounts. When he had finished checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and observed:
“I couldn’t help noticing that you buy rather a lot of candles, Mr Berman”.
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi, dryly.
“So what do you do with all the candle drippings?”, asked the Tax Inspector, hoping to catch the Rabbi out.
“We save them up and when we have enough, I send them back to the candle-makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Votive candle holders or candles.”
The Tax Inspector was visibly disappointed by the Rabbi’s clever answer but was determined to catch him out.
“I see…” he continued obnoxiously, pointing to an entry in the bought ledger. “So what about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from all these Matzos, eh?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi smoothly, rubbing his hands on one of his nfl jerseys, “Didn’t I show you the crumb box?”
“No.”
“Well, we collect up all the crumbs from the Matzos and put them in a special crumb box. When we have enough we send the box back to the Bakers and every now and then they send us a free pack of Matzos.”
“Bugger!” muttered the Tax Inspector under his breath. He was completely taken aback and racked his brains for anything that would catch the slippery Rabbi out. Finally, he jabbed his finger at the ledger triumphantly. “I see you carry out a great many circumcisions here, Mr Berman.”
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi. “What did you expect – breast enlargements?”
“Then perhaps you’d care to explain what you do with all the foreskins?”, continued the Tax Inspector relentlessly.
“That’s easy”, replied the Rabbi. “We save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we send them to the Inland Revenue”.
“The Inland Revenue?” repeated the Tax Inspector in disbelief.
“Who else would send us a little prick like you once a year?”
