Tag: weight-loss

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough ariation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, end up buying drugs like phentermine, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may wish to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color).
A handful of potato chips.
A glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring it inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some of the punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast:
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:
Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatballs on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

Weight loss program

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds and he couldn’t find the best weight loss supplement around. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He’s skeptical, but says to himself, “Let’s see what they can do.” He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.” For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.” Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” Asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most vigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Super weight loss plan

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and owned all the fitness equipment you could think of. Nothing worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, “Lose weight $1.00 a pound.” And it simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the man responded, “ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “very well, put you check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”.

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, “quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “how much weight do you want to lose?”

To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, “twenty pounds”.

“Very well”, the voice on the phone told him, “put your check in the mail and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “if you catch me you can screw me”. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her.

When he was through she told him, “quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

“This is fantastic!” He thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked,
“how much weight do you want to lose?”

“Fifty pounds!” The man exclaimed.

“Fifty pounds?” The voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

The overweight man replied, “my check’s already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.” Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “If I catch you I’m going to screw you.”

Naked Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. He had tried the best weight loss pills, but nothing worked. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed my ass”, he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me you can have me!”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business.”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. “Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, “this is our most rigorous program…” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t felt this great in years!”

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”

The Feline Diet

Feet on a scale
Image via Wikipedia

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans, so you don’t even need to get the best fat burner diet out there! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

The blonde diet

A blonde is terribly overweight and after trying every medication in the book, including Xenical and Hydroxycut hardcore goes to her doctor who puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

The best way to lose weight

An obese fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a “guaranteed” weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck, “he thinks to himself. “But let’s see what they think they can do.”

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program after confirming it doesn’t involve any praying or magical weight loss pill. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.”

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of “treatment”, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20 lbs. weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their “workout” schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok‘s and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door like a shot!

This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days.

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. “I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.”

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7-day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Rules for a diet

Foto van een Key lime pie, een taart van zandg...Image via Wikipedia

A diet is hard for everyone, especially if you’re on your own. Here’s some advice to help you be more successful.

  1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
    Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  8. If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
  9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  10. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
  11. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  12. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

If you’re not taking any fatburners like Lipovox, try them out. You may not lose too much weight, but you’ll certainly be happier.

One way to lose weight

A Fat Woman was determined to lose some weight, she had tried all the diets you can think of, including Weight Watchers, Atkins, tried taking weight loss pills, even starved herself.

So she joined a slimming club.

After a month, she was no lighter, so she cut off her legs.

The next week and the slimming club, she weighed herself, but found that she was still too heavy. So when she got home, she cut her arms off.

But, the very next week, she was still disappointed. So when she got home, she cut her body off.

The next week, she weighed herself and was pleased to see some positive results. Her friend asked her, “are you going to cut off anything else?”

To which the woman replied, “no, I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead!”