Category: Jokes

An immigrant finds himself a hooker ..

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

‘Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, seester?’ he asks.

‘£10,’ she replies.

In broken English he says ‘Do you do Immigrant Style?’

‘No’ she says.

‘I pay you £20 to do Immigrant Style.’

‘No’, she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

‘I pay you £30.’

‘No’, she says.

‘I pay you £50.’

‘No’, she says.

So finally he says, ‘OK, I pay £100 to do Immigrant Style.’

She thinks, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now.

I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?”.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after a long time they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, ‘Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.

But that was good. So what exactly is ’Immigrant Style’?’

The illegal immigrant replies ‘You send bill to Government.’

Lawyer in heaven

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I’ll show you around Heaven.”

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

“Was that God,” the priest asked, stunned by the display.

“Oh heavens no,” replied St. Peter. “That was a Seattle injury lawyer.”

“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?” The priest continued, “I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don’t understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion.”

“It isn’t what he did,” St. Peter replied. “You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he’s our first lawyer.”

Rules for eating chocolate

NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 13: Heart shaped chocolat...
  • If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
    Don’t they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.Anoretix saves the day.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  • If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

How old was that?

Mystery ruins

A tourist from Outer Banks is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

“This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

The New Patio

Concrete blocks

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks and placed an order for the patio furniture he thought he’d need; but first he needed to get started on the floor. Laying the cement blocks out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our ‘nosey’ next-door neighbor asked, “Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away ‘EVERY’
night?”

The Tennis Ball

A :en:Tennis ball Author: :en:User:Fcb981

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts, nice that No Fear clothing has so many pockets huh?.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him couldn’t help but notice the large bulge.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing at his shorts.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh my gosh,” said the girl sympathetically… ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!”

Religious Battle Golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus, who’s a whizz with his adams golf drivers. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

Adopt an NFL Player

THE NFL PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NFL player’s strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It’s just not right. Hundreds of football players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day–that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV–you can help a football player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a football player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a football player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

“HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

“HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING”

Your football player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NFL player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NFL products badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner’s Club

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

The Electronics Store

There’s this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.

So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.

So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.

Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.

Look, she says, how can you tell i’m a blonde, even tho i’ve dyed my hair???

Soory lady, that thing with the flashing led light is a microwave!!!!

Let’s get a Barbie

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a toy for his daughter. He looks past the magformers and heads to the Barbie section. So he asks the assistant, as you would, “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“Yeah, well, it’s like this … Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture …”