The actor and his agent ..

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighbourhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smouldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?” “Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog, broke your flat screen TV and burned your home theater seating.”

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”

Ya Gotta Be a Redneck if:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think ‘The Nutcracker‘ is a vice on the work bench.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, right above weight loss pills.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does..

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it..

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip‘ on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

The Electronics Store

There’s this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.

So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.

So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.

Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.

Look, she says, how can you tell i’m a blonde, even tho i’ve dyed my hair???

Soory lady, that thing with the flashing led light is a microwave!!!!

Top 10 Reasons why TV is better than the Internet

Braun HF 1, Germany, 1959
  1. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
  2. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404” message?
  3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.
  4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
  5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
  6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.
  7. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
  8. You just can’t fast forward acne treatments infomercials on the Web.
  9. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
  10. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.