Tag: sports

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon in 1972
Image via Wikipedia

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your Mixed Martial Arts pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

The racing snail

...and in last place.
Creative Commons License photo credit: ….Tim

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, ‘Yes, but you can’t have a number on your car, you can only have an ‘S’ because you are a snail.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘We’ll make it look cool by adding some Polaris RZR accessories‘

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail’s car was at the back…but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled ‘WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!’

Adopt an NFL Player

THE NFL PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NFL player’s strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It’s just not right. Hundreds of football players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day–that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV–you can help a football player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a football player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a football player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

“HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

“HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING”

Your football player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NFL player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NFL products badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner’s Club

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

You watch too much Wrestling when:

  • On your resume you write “I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”
  • You call a beer by your name
  • Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws
  • You begin to shake someone’s hand in public, but then hesitate to look for the crowd’s response
  • You tell your significant other, “Not tonight, I’m watching RAW“
  • Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it
  • You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
  • On a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown”
  • After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back
  • You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
  • You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count
  • You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason
  • You don’t understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.
  • Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
  • Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones
  • When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
  • You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask and your fight gear.
  • You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head.
  • Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours stuffed full with smelly MMA gear.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.