Category: Jokes

Keeping in touch

Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone, the incredible s virgin.  Betty is excited, she loves her phone.  Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, ‘Hi ya, Betty,’ he says, ‘how do you like your new phone?’ Betty replies, ‘I just love it, it’s so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one feature that I really don’t understand though.’

‘What’s that, Betty?’ asks the husband.

‘How did you know that I was at Tesco?’

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Who has the best car?

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo, just on my nissan custom floor mats!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!”

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The Plane Flight

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: “I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go”

“This one’s empty … no-one’s looking… you go in first”

“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume – you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations… Now put those cigarettes out, buy an e cigarette and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog, certainly showing no demodectic mange symptoms trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

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Advertising Slogans Translated

From “American Demographics” magazine, here’s a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.” Now that’s one to keep away from the barcode scanner

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like “Coca- Cola.” The only problem was that the characters used meant “Bite the wax tadpole.” They later changed to a set of characters that mean “Happiness in the mouth.”

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

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Beauty Queen

My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor. She used to go in the past, having facials, premier dead sea treatments and the whole shebang. But she hadn’t been in years, so I just couldn’t resist asking:

“Are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done?”

I’m still sleeping in the yard …

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The Insurance Job

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
“We don’t need any one,” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing.”
“We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell any term insurance to. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.
“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime.”
“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked. “Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Smith’s.”
“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!”

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Nurses in heaven

Three nurses went to heaven still in their nursing scrubs, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

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The musical lumberjack

Two Yorkshire musical saw men and a Lancashire lumberjack were walking across the Pennines. All of a sudden one of Yorkshiremen ran up to the top of the hill to the mouth of a small limestone cave. He took a deep breath and called into the cave ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then put down his band saw blades, tore off his clothes and ran in to cave with a big smile on his face. Puzzled by this ritual the Lumberjack asked the remaining musical sawman “Was the other man mad?”
“Ney lad”, he replied, “It is our custom in these parts of Yorkshire during our mating season”. “When a Yorkshireman finds a cave, he must cry out, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If he gets an answer back, it means there’s a grand looking Yorkshire Lass is in there waiting for him”.

A few miles later they came across another cave cut into the millstone grit. The remaining musical saw man ran up to its entrance and cried out, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”. A few moments later …….there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” An excited musical saw man tore off his clothes and ran in.

The Lumberjack continued alone for a long while through several dales and over beautiful countryside. He came across a third much larger cave. As he looked in amazement at the sheer size, he wondered just how many fine looking women could be waiting for him inside.. He stood in front of the opening, and with all his might he cried out “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like with the other caves, he heard the answering calling back, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Huddersfield Examiner read “NAKED LANCASHIRE LUMBERJACK’s LIFE CUT SHORT BY TRANS PENNINE EXPRESS TRAIN”.

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Joys of Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further, just past the customized thank you gifts, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’

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