Tag: dog

The butcher and the dog

A butcher is just about to close his shop when he saw a dog walking in. He tried to chase the dog away, but the dog kept coming back. When he was going to chase him off again he saw the dog had an envelope in his mouth. Curious, the butcher opened the envelope and in it he found a €50 note and a note that said: “Can you please send me with this dog 1kg of minced beef and 1/2 kg of leg of lamb?”
Surprised the butcher took the money, put the mince and the leg of lamb in a bag and put that in front of the dog. However he forgot to give the dog the change.
The dog started to growl and to show the butcher his teeth. The butcher realised his mistake and put the change in the bag. The dog calmed down, took the bag and left.

The butcher, impressed, decided to follow the dog and quickly closed his shop.
The dog walked down the street to the traffic-lights where he sat on the pavement waiting until he was allowed to cross.

He then crossed the road and walked to the busstop, with the butcher following him closely. At the busstop, when he saw it was the bus he needed, he got in, still followed by the butcher.

The butcher, now well surprised, saw how the dog lifted his front paws to press the bell to be let off the bus, still with the bag in his mouth.

Dog and butcher walked down the street until the dog stopped at a house where he left the bag by the door, then, going back a bit, he threw himself at the door, hitting it hard. He repeated this several times, but nobody answered the door.

Then to top it all, the butcher saw the dog taking up the bag again, walk around the house, jump over a fence and go to a window. Once there he tapped the window a few times, without letting go of the bag, then he returned to the door.

At that moment a man opened the door… and started to hit the dog. The butcher ran to the man to stop him and said: “Jesus, my friend, what are you doing?. Your dog is a genius!…… He is unique!”

The man, annoyed, answered: “Genius, my arse!! This is now the second time this week this stupid dog forgot his keys…. and comes back when I´m in the bath!!.”

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog, certainly showing no demodectic mange symptoms trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

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Consultation Fees

A Texas Maritime lawyer‘s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Can cold water clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, they sat down at table (really nice modern furniture I must say) and John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather about it, asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: ‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

Any good at chess?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen, do you give him pet supplements or any special training?”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”