Tag: nurse

Top 10 reasons to become a nurse

1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world, even if it’s on top of a Howard-Medical.com medical cart.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

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Nurses in heaven

Three nurses went to heaven still in their nursing scrubs, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

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Time for a discharge

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman — already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet — who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. I wiped my hands on my dickies scrubs and got him into the chair. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Hospital Cost Cutting Measures

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Adminstration/Groundskeeping
Date: March 23, 2008
Re: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective April 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino’s, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated phones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families of ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts for their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see in the “FROM” line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an adminstrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME_LIFE “How to…” series of maintainence books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox and some medical jewelry will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at the rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Revco’s photolab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Revco’s will honor competitor’s coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling program, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. The antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the HMO’s formulary.