Author: Owen

The best tablets

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours! They were the Best tablet online I could find.”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

“Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”

“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

It’s all about the eyesight ..

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning clutching my walmart coupons, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Elephant Jokes

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.

What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.

What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing. Peanuts can’t talk.

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
Nothing. He didn’t recognise them because they were wearing julbo sunglasses.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a computer?
A lot of memory.

How can you tell if an elephant checked out a library book before you did?
When you open it, peanut shells fall out.

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?
That way he always nose where he stopped reading.

Why did the elephant wear green tennis shoes?
His white ones were in the wash.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?
They are both purple, except for the elephant.

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Keeping in touch

Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone, the incredible s virgin.  Betty is excited, she loves her phone.  Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, ‘Hi ya, Betty,’ he says, ‘how do you like your new phone?’ Betty replies, ‘I just love it, it’s so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one feature that I really don’t understand though.’

‘What’s that, Betty?’ asks the husband.

‘How did you know that I was at Tesco?’

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Ouch! What happened to your ears?

Here’s a great joke if you work in one of those Audiologist Jobs:

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

Who has the best car?

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo, just on my nissan custom floor mats!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!”

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The Plane Flight

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: “I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go”

“This one’s empty … no-one’s looking… you go in first”

“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume – you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations… Now put those cigarettes out, buy an e cigarette and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog, certainly showing no demodectic mange symptoms trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

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Advertising Slogans Translated

From “American Demographics” magazine, here’s a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.” Now that’s one to keep away from the barcode scanner

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like “Coca- Cola.” The only problem was that the characters used meant “Bite the wax tadpole.” They later changed to a set of characters that mean “Happiness in the mouth.”

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

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Beauty Queen

My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor. She used to go in the past, having facials, premier dead sea treatments and the whole shebang. But she hadn’t been in years, so I just couldn’t resist asking:

“Are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done?”

I’m still sleeping in the yard …

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