Straining the tea

Little Billy was left to fix lunch and his mum asked for green tea before she went out. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Billy had already strained the tea.

“Did you find the tea strainer?” His mother asked.

“No mother, I couldn’t find it, so I used the fly swatter.”

His mother nearly fainted, so he hastily added, “Don’t get so excited Mother, I used an old one.”

Are you into cleaning?

Well most of us aren’t. If you’re looking for an excuse to get out of the cleaning, try some of the reasons not to clean below:

  1. Don’t vacuum too often— it weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
  2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands,” and claim an ecological exemption.
  3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.
  4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
  5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
  6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
  7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive.”
  8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”
  9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven’t had the heart to clean it.”
  10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean, and I still don’t get anywhere.”

Indian to Moonie

Did you know that MP3 players where among the first gadgets taken to the moon? Here’s the story:

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found an MP3 recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the MP3 to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order “That will be £8.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke. “The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ” That will be £43.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want.

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What ’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, shook his head and answered ….

“My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say”

Farmer John’s Mule

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a truck accident lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver’s big city lawyer questioned farmer John.”After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff’s deputy, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.

Farmer John answered, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I did not ask you about your mule,” the lawyer interrupted, “I asked you about your statement to the sheriff’s deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

Farmer John answered, “Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck….”

The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. “Your honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff’s deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, “Let’s hear what he has to say. If he doesn’t get around to answering your question, we’ll deal with it after we find out about Bessie.”

Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin’ real bad and I couldn’t even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

Italian Math

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Data easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?”

Signs you’re living in 2007

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Sport and Gym Jokes

Here’s some good sport one-liners:

When Chuck Norris does a Bodyrev Perfect Pushup, he’s not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Mike Tyson‘s motto: Can’t beat um…Eat um!!!!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

and last but not least, here are ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

  • The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.
  • The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
  • The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
  • The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
  • If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.
  • After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
  • After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
  • In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
  • No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

In the beginning …

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and ‘active low’ signals didn’t yet exist.)

On the second day, God’s boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn’t. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried ‘Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!’ And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the ‘new and improved’ wouldn’t do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honoured.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with ‘add’ and ‘logical shift’ instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said ‘Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.’ And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since. and it hasn’t worked right since. and it hasn’t worked right since. and it hasn’t….