Tag: woman

It’s all about the eyesight ..

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning clutching my walmart coupons, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Reasons why it’s great to be a woman

  1. Free drinks.
  2. Free dinners.
  3. Free movies.
  4. Speeding ticket? What’s that?
  5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
  7. If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  8. You can sleep your way to the top.
  9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  10. It’s possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  12. Brad Pitt.
  13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  16. If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
  17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
  19. You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  21. Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth or whether there you have dark circles under eyes.
  22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
  23. You’ve never had a goatee.
  24. You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
  25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Shopping for a husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. The husbands aren’t quite personalized gifts, but you can definitely find what you’re after.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

If you thought Men and Women shower the same way …

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror–make mental note: must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second
towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the
“woo-woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the
size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower and kick any shower chairs out of the way.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the “woo-woo” sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed again