Happy Birthday

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”, thinking she might ask for one of those Birthday Gift Baskets. She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”
One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”

Signs it’s Time to Stop Breastfeeding!

10. Child can now open your blouse by himself.

9. The kid starts burping up silicone.

8. Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. The little one keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. Child demands that you express for his cafe latte.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each session, you both have a smoke.

3. Child invites his friends over for dinner.

2. Child wants to know how to get rid of whiteheads.

1. Beard abrasions on boobs.


A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

“Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient. “And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Oh,” said the patient, “when I pick up my blackberry phone.”

Cigarettes on a plane

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go”
“This one’s empty … no-one’s looking… you go in first”
“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down”
“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on”
Sniff sniff
“Ah perfume – you think of everything”
“This is great…..” (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations… Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector! Get an electronic cig if you want!”

A collection of stupid warnings

Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:
Do not point blower in direction of people or pets.
(Wild animals are presumably okay?)

Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:
Exposure may result in confusion.
(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)

Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:
Harmful if swallowed.
(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that’s beside the point)

Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:
To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.
(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)

Hungry Jack Lite Syrup:
Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot.
(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)

50 Water Balloons:
This bag is not a toy.
(Yes indeed, it’s the real thing!)

9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:
This toy is a small ball.
(Apparently that’s a bad thing.)

Tagamet HB2000:
Do not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid reducers.
(You would think the name is enough of a hint not to take Tagamet if you’re allergic to Tagamet.)

Gold Dial Soap:
Use Gold Dial Soap as you would use ordinary soap.
(What would happen if you used as EXTRAordinary soap?)

Bath & Body Works Moisture Rich Body Lotion:
Caution: This is not a toy.
(I suppose some people think that moisture rich lotion is a toy. Maybe in California. Better not try this on basement moisture!)

Mr. Bubbles Body Wash for Kids of All Ages:
Caution: Keep out of reach of young children.
(I don’t even know what to say to this.)

Diflucan 150 mg tablet for yeast infection:
If overdose is suspected, contact your local poison control center or emergency room immediately.
(It comes in a container with one tablet in it.)

Wal-Mart Sheriff Gun Set:
Never point or shoot a gun at anyone.
(Some would say it is also important to be able to discern between a toy and the real thing.)

Pampers Bibsters:
Choking may result from anything babies put in their mouths.
(Obviously, a safe baby is a starved baby.)

The Football Star

A football coach walked into the locker room carrying one of those coach gifts in his hand before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this.

What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming…,

“Come on coach, give him another chance!”

You Watch WAY TOO MUCH Wrestling When…….

  • On your resume you write “I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”
  • You call a beer by your name
  • Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws
  • You begin to shake someone’s hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd’s response
  • You tell your significant other, “Not tonight, I’m watching RAW
  • Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it
  • You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
  • On a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown”
  • After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back
  • You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
  • You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count
  • You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason
  • You wear your mma gear to bed
  • You don’t understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.
  • Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
  • Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones
  • When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
  • You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
  • You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head.
  • Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.