Q. How do you feel when your best friend runs off with your husband? A. Pity
Month: February 2009
Fix that printer
When a guy’s receipt printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
It’s all about the jewellery
When a woman decided to have her portrait painted she told the artist, “Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, one of those thick mens wedding rings, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied. “I know,” she said.
“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
Why are men like blenders? You…
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you’re not sure why …
Off to the dentist
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. “Is that so?” the first said. “Did he do a good job?”
“Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot with his Mizuno drivers,” he said. “The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That,” he added, “was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”
Online Banking
ECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. They’ll send you a two-factor authentication thingy in the post and you’re set to go.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I’m not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
The amazing watch
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves
at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to
ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this
fabulous hi-tech watch; it might have even been a Patek Philippe, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies “Sure, which country?”
The fella asks, “How many countries have you got?” to which the man replies, “All the countries in the world!”
“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”
“That’s
nothing,” the man says. “This watch also has a GPS facility, fax,
e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them
on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”
“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”
“Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”
The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900.
The
seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here
is you new hi-tech watch.” Then, handing the two suitcases over as
well, he says, “And here are the batteries.”
Watch the robber
February 1, 1993
Raleigh, N.C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled.
Now they weren’t using live video streaming services but he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.
Photogenic Phantom
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. It was a cold and dark night, lightning lit up the sky, so he dressed up warm in one of his thickest NCAA jerseys and a warm parka. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what’s the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
How do you stop your husband f…
How do you stop your husband from reading your email? Rename your email folder to “Instruction Manuals”