Christmas Cookie Recipe

Christmas comes but once a year. So step away from the fancy gadgets, baby clothes and shopping sprees and settle down with some cookie recipes to spread some cheer. Trust me and follow these instructions:

Ingredients

  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Here’s what you do:

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup .. just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor…

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Samp! le! the Cuervo to check for tonsist icity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.

Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Stuck on a rock

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie

The best way to lose weight

An obese fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a “guaranteed” weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck, “he thinks to himself. “But let’s see what they think they can do.”

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program after confirming it doesn’t involve any praying or magical weight loss pill. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.”

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of “treatment”, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20 lbs. weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their “workout” schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok‘s and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door like a shot!

This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days.

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. “I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.”

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7-day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Car Insurance Claims: Some excuses to try

Yellow 1924-1954 stop sign. Mounting height is... Insurance is not normally something that you can associate with laughter, so here are a list of car insurance stories, quotes and excuses for you to enjoy:

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”

“A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.”

“I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

“I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind”.

“On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn’t connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

“I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.”

“Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?”

“No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“While proceeding through ‘Monkey Jungle‘, the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in ‘Monkey Jungle’ clutching radio aerial.”

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q – What warning was given by you?
A – Horn
Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”

“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”

“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

Rules for a diet

Foto van een Key lime pie, een taart van zandg...Image via Wikipedia

A diet is hard for everyone, especially if you’re on your own. Here’s some advice to help you be more successful.

  1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
    Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  8. If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
  9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
  10. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
  11. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  12. Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

If you’re not taking any fatburners like Lipovox, try them out. You may not lose too much weight, but you’ll certainly be happier.

Get another job!

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and go and look for employment somewhere else!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino‘s.”

Enjoy a Stress-free Diet

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

N.B. You’ll notice there’s no promise of any weight loss above. I wonder how that would look on my Food Diary.

10 New Diets

You’ve tried Dr. Stillman’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the magic diet pill and more, but you’re still lugging those extra pounds around. What’s a food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene. One of them is bound to do the trick.

1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because you’re so addicted to being online, you don’t eat for days at a time.

2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing you’re really eating Death by Chocolate.

3. The Play With Your Food Diet. You’re so busy making a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.

4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you capture your friend’s players. You lose the game and you lose weight.

5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels, trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table is constantly shifting, so you don’t get to eat much, and thus lose weight. (This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing home.)

6. The Fisherman’s Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.

7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli is now mostly air, so you don’t gain any weight.

8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food Diet. Now you can’t eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.) You really lose weight.

9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose weight.

10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweetheart’s hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.