10 New Diets

You’ve tried Dr. Stillman’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the magic diet pill and more, but you’re still lugging those extra pounds around. What’s a food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene. One of them is bound to do the trick.

1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because you’re so addicted to being online, you don’t eat for days at a time.

2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing you’re really eating Death by Chocolate.

3. The Play With Your Food Diet. You’re so busy making a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.

4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you capture your friend’s players. You lose the game and you lose weight.

5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels, trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table is constantly shifting, so you don’t get to eat much, and thus lose weight. (This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing home.)

6. The Fisherman’s Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.

7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli is now mostly air, so you don’t gain any weight.

8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food Diet. Now you can’t eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.) You really lose weight.

9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose weight.

10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweetheart’s hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

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