Shipwrecked

There was this computer engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. He was a bit of a geek, taking his Dell laptop and even some spare Dell memory with him. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, “Where did you come from? How did you get here”?

She said, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank”

“Amazing”, he said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?”

“It is only me”, she said, “and the row-boat didn’t wash up, nothing else did.”

“Well then”, said the man, “how did you get the row-boat?”

“I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island”, replied the woman. “The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree”

“But, but”, asked the man, “what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?”

“Oh, no problem”, replied the woman, “on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that”, she continued. “Where do you live?” At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

“Well, let’s row over to my place”, she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“It’s not much”, she said, “but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?”

“No”, said the man, “one more coconut juice and I will puke.”

“It won’t be coconut juice”, the woman replied, “I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No”, the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship”

“Well if you would like to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs…

“You look great”, said the woman, “I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.” So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned – this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

“Tell me”, she asked, “we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?”

“Yes there is”, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, “Tell me … Do you happen to have an Internet connection?”

Bathroom Scales Tips & Tricks

1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight!

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget to remove jewelery as it could weigh as much as a pound!

4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.

5. Always go to the bathroom first and always take your diet pills after you get weighed. Every little counts.

6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).

7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)

8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped onto the scale normally.

Courage

An agent, broker, and actuary are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. They had spent the whole day looking at life insurance quotes and had got careless. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death. However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes.

After further thought, the prince decides he does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering. The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the Saudi prince.
“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes. The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”
“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”
“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.

Canadian Passport Rant

(This is apparently a genuine addenum to a Canadian Passport Application.)

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes working’ there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the @#%in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (@#%in morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed – An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S.
Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA !!!

Where do red-haired babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!!’

‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said’.

‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted.’????? ?’This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ‘

The man seemed a bit ashamed . ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year, I’m a traveling car insurance salesman and spend a lot of time away from home. We only made love once or twice every few months.’

‘Well, there you have it!’ The doctor said confidently.

‘It’s rust.’

Your Diet

For those of you who have tried Atkins, overdosed on lipovox and watch what you eat…

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. One was even playing on a PS3. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”

What to speak about?

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The girl, turned off her MP3 players and said to the guy, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”