A woman gets onto a bus with her baby dressed very smartly in one of those Baby jogger city select outfits.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Q. Why are politicians are like disposable diapers.
A. They should be changed frequently … and for the same reason
Q. Why didn’t the husband change the baby for a week?
A. Because the text on the diapers package said ’18-40 lbs’.
Q. How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Are you joking? They can’t even change a dirty diaper!
— Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
— Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
— I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
— If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
— That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
— When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
— You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
— This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
— Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
— Stop your swearing and just breathe.
— Shall I start unwrapping the baby gifts while we wait?
— Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
— Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!!’
‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said’.
‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’
‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted.’????? ?’This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’
‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ‘
The man seemed a bit ashamed . ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year, I’m a traveling car insurance salesman and spend a lot of time away from home. We only made love once or twice every few months.’
‘Well, there you have it!’ The doctor said confidently.
‘It’s rust.’